Grabbed your abandoned tea bags from the cupboard Made my way to the back yard Gripped them tightly in my hand Threw them out hard I don't know why I'm so angry When I'm the one whose to blame I'm the only person playing But I'm losing this game Yeah you win the breakup That's not something I'd make up Folded up your romantic velociraptor Kissed it once, threw it in the bin Fell to my knees and prayed to God To forgive me for my sin I wonder briefly if I should've kept it In case you get famous someday But it's too clearly made with me in mind And it wouldn't fetch much on eBay Yeah you win the breakup If I wore it, my tears would be ruining my make up I still haven't opened Okami And I barely glanced at that art book Hoping if I don't use those things you gave me Then you'd give me another look But I saw you out walking with your mother Talking and laughing and looking happy And I know that you're seeing another And I really wish that didn't make me feel so sappy So you win the breakup I just wish we could make up

So you said you're seeing someone new And I hope he's really good to you And I hope you play games together But I hope you're not together forever Because I have a sneaking suspicion he's not that great Particularly if you're not ready to date Well I'm sorry that I left you that way But I'm sure you'll be ready again some day Well at least one of us is happy And that we're not all sad Because if none of us were happy Then that would be bad At least one of us is happy I just wish it could be me Cos I know that one day I'll be happy But it's too far in the future to see So I heard you two are dating now And all I can say is, really, wow I can't believe you heard the fact That she's got another boyfriend and you're fine with that Well I tried my best but wasn't good enough Maybe some of my jokes were a little rough And perhaps I came on a little too strong But whatever you guys won't last very long Well for now one of us is happy But I get the feeling it won't last Cos even though right now we're happy We'll just see a repeat of the past But at least one of us is happy I just wish it could be me Cos I know that one day I'll be happy But it's too far in the future to see Well everyone we know will one day die And everyone we love will make us cry And the people we look up to will turn their backs But don't get too upset, these are just the facts Well everyone we know will one day die And everyone we love will make us cry And the people we look up to probably don't give a shit But don't get too upset, just learn to live with it But right now one of us is happy So let's not lose sight of that Just remember that right now you're happy Maybe look at pictures of cute cats Yeah at least one of us is happy I just wish it could be me Cos I know that one day I'll be happy But it's too far in the future to see

I like to get a seat by the self-checkout So I don’t get harrassed by the checkout staff And I like to make sure that they’re buying alcohol Because I’m not a very good judge of age And I like to play a game where I make assumptions about who they are Based purely on what they’re buying So if they’re buying porridge then they’re probably bland And if they’re buying a new TV then they’ve got a couple of grand And if they’re buying Malibu then that’s just great And if they’re buying Far Cry 3 I’d like to take them out on a date

I’m in the club Got a bottle in my hand and another on its way I’m with a bud See a fine looking thing and I wanna say hey Dance through the crowd Everyone’s having fun and the music’s thumping Really loud I slide up to you and our body’s start bumping I’m sure you’ve got a great personality But tonight I’m only interested in your body You probably know a lot about French literature But tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha It’s getting late Everybody's going home But that’s great Cos it’ll leave you and me here all alone I lean in Whisper something kinda sexy in your ear and you Start to grin And say that sounds like something you’d be into I’m sure there’s more than just good looks to you But tonight I’m just looking for someone to screw You’re probably a big fan of David Fincher But tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha Yo I seem to be going to places like this with my friend there almost daily He’s busy trying to get with a lady Might as well call him Scott cos I’m feeling kinda Bailey Don’t wanna just abandon him here But someone just gave me a face full of beer And I’ve got exams coming up, wait, why am I even here? Drinks are about a quid more expensive than I’m happy to pay And it’s highly unlikely that I’m gonna get laid The women here won’t even say hey So, yeah, whatever, I think I’m just gonna head out the door I’ve heard the rain’s started to pour But I don’t wanna be here anymore Ciao I’m sure you’ve got a great personality But tonight I’m only interested in your body You probably know a lot about French literature But tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha Oh tonight tonight I just wanna get witcha

This is a song for the women outside the bar who were digging around on the floor I wasn't entirely sure what you were doing and I couldn't see what you were looking for And I felt it wouldn't have been a good idea to wander over and say hi So I laughed to myself as you looked up and I just walked on by But I'd just like to say I really liked your corsets This is a song for the girl at the train station stood all alone in a really lovely skirt The whole look was kind lolita but I quite liked it and you look better than me in a shirt But you were stood on the platform opposite and my train was just pulling in So I let this one slide and went to find my seat, letting love escape me again But I'd just like to say You were the best part of that day This is a song for the girl sat across from me on the train who kept looking over Your eyes were so blue that it felt like I was looking out from the cliffs of Dover I spelled out HI with my train tickets on the seat next to mine And I promise I was gonna say something to you but I ran out of time But I'd just like to say I think I only liked you cos I'm lonely This is a song for the girl who I'm genuinely interested in and I think is great You're so beautiful and slightly crazy and you probably a big fan of After Eights Ok so that rhyme was really forced but I'll be honest I don't know much about you I really wish I could get to know you, and I hope you want to know me too But I'd just like to say Wanna get a drink some time?

Hi there Can I sit next to you? I like your hair You look like someone I could talk to This is my name Yours is very pretty I play video games Oh no did I let myself say that already I don’t want you knowing I’m a nerd Who plays stuff no one else has ever heard of How about we just move on? So tell me do you like this song? I’m sorry If I’m being annoying This is just me Worrying if I’m being boring I’m no good At talking to strangers So if you could I’d ask you to forgive my strange behaviour Cos you’re making me kinda nervous I really don’t know if I should say this But you’re really pretty and you seem fairly cool So would you like to come back to my place? This is a one night stand I won’t even hold your hand Don’t worry I’m sure you don’t usually do that And trust me I’m new to this, you may have gathered that I’m not a creep You’re the only girl here I’m into I’m just kinda lonely And I wanna share a bed with you Cos this is the first time I've been single in quite a while And I was brought over by your lovely smile And well, I'm only really looking to get laid So dya wanna come back to my place? This is a one night stand Did I tell you I’m in a band? I’ll go And leave you alone now Cos if you say no I don’t know how I will prevent myself from dying of embarrassment I understand if you don’t want to be with someone so unkempt But then your hand extends from your lovely dress And you put it on my cheek and you say yes You're just looking for a one night stand Oh wow, how did I land A beautiful girl quite like you It's almost like this story isn't true

I like to sit outside the test for a subject I don't do So I don't bump into anyone I know And I like to look a little sleep-deprived So it looks like I was up all night revising And I like to mingle into the crowd As they walk out of the exam And I nudge someone and say man that was tough Whatcha think of question two? Wasn't it a little rough? And they usually agree, and ask me what I think And I suggest that we should discuss this over a drink

Tilt your head back Ignore the pain, try to relax Do your best not to freak out Pretend you know what the guy next to you is talking about Who knew that an ear infection could knock you this bad? But this is the most interesting train journey you’ve ever had Cos Michael McIntyre’s sat across from you And him and his wife are dining on Jimmy Choos While a voice screams This is just a dream That’s not Daenerys Targarean spilling her coffee Maybe you should get some sleep? Temperature begins to rise higher As Boris Johnson hands you a flyer For his new velociraptor store But you’ve heard it all before Your fever’s getting worse When a dragon hands you its purse Filled with tiny little eyes That whisper hateful lies While a voice screams This is all just a dream That’s not Richard Branson bitchslapping Sean Bean Maybe you should get some sleep? Just pray to Christ That you don’t die Cos that seems kind of likely now Hope that someone’s looking out for you Cos you just don’t know If you’ll even make it home Close your eyes and doze Half an hour goes by like the world just froze Awaken at the station, you’ve arrived And thankfully you’re still alive And the voice sighs Gives you a mental high five Reminds you that you didn’t see Tom and Jerry setting fire to the band 5ive And asks how you’re gonna get home And you don’t know

Saw you when I first walked in Hoped you were just a trick of the light Set out my things, took in the room You were gone from my sight Felt your eyes on me in the shower Ran my fingers through my hair Let the water wash away my fear Tried to tell myself you weren't really there Do you watch me while I'm sleeping? Study how my chest rises and falls? I keep one eye open at all times Convinced your hiding in the walls Can't take much more of this One of us is going to break Your will is strong, I can tell But I don't know how much more I can take The time has come, and here we are Our eyes meet from across the room I lunge at you, scared and furious You quickly meet your doom Take a second to see what I've done Blood runs thick between my fingers Fight the urge to flee the scene Stand a while and let the moment linger

Good evening sir, can I find you a seat? Would you like a drink or something to eat? Or is there something else that takes your fancy? Like ripping off my all clothes and panties? Cos here we sell pancakes We sell cupcakes And we sell sex I can cook you a steak Or get you some cake Or just have sex For today’s special we’re doing a pancake stack And for only ten dollars you can eat them off my rack With a side of bacon, covered in maple syrup And for ten dollars extra you can gave me in stirrups Cos here we do pizza There’s ice cream in the freezer Or we sell sex Mary’s made a brisket But I wouldn’t risk it She’s much better at sex You may wonder how clean this place is I can assure you we’re very hygienic And the girls are all kept clear and clean So how about you lick some butter off me? I can make you a sandwich And then I’ll be your bitch When we go have sex Have some garlic bread While I give you head And then we’ll have sex

I like to get a seat by the sandpit So I don't have to pay to get in And I like to take a child with me Cos otherwise I look a bit creepy And I like to make sure they're not with a man So there's a higher chance they're a single mother And then I wander over and say something mild And they'll look up and smile and ask if that's my child And I say no I just borrowed him to pick up chicks And I'm lucky if I don't get punched in the dick

You know that every morning I wake up with tears in my eye Cos all I can hear is the sound of a child crying And I know that I'll have to go spend time with the little brat I just don't know how much more I can handle of that Ooooo And sometimes I just wanna burn things Set fire to everything that I own Sometimes I just wanna burn things And get away from this home Haven't left the house in nearly two whole weeks I'm a lazy work shy loser at his physical peak Stuck in a commuter village, just me myself and I This is the place where everyones dreams come to die And sometimes I just wanna burn things Set fire to everything that I own Sometimes I just wanna burn things And get away from this home Keep talking to little ones about the colours of their cup When inside I'm screaming at them to just shut up I'm leaving soon and then everything will be ok But I know that tomorrow will just be the same boring day And sometimes I just wanna burn things Set fire to everything that I own Sometimes I just wanna burn things And get away from this home Yeah sometimes I just wanna burn things Set fire to everything that I own Sometimes I just wanna burn things And get away from this home

We're sat in my room Conversation goes away I look you in the eye You say “what now?” And I say I've got just the thing With a twinkle in my eye And I reach over to my laptop And bring up a video of a guy punching another guy I crease up with laughter, speechless for a while But I look at your face and you've barely raised a smile And I put my hand on your arm and say are you ok hunny? And you say you're sorry but you just don't find it funny All things come to an end But I wish that you'd pretend That you have the same taste in YouTube clips as me Because now I'm not sure Should I walk out that door? Is this really the way it has to be? I try to wave it off Tell you it's no big deal But you know right away That that's just not how I feel So you grab the laptop And you start typing something in You say, I'm sure you'll love this one And I'm almost infected by your grin As a girl on screen starts showing us her version of twerking You're nearly in tears, but for me it's just not working And we look each other dead in the eyes And a little part of our relationship dies All things come to an end But I wish I could pretend That I have the same taste in YouTube clips as you Because now I'm not sure Should I walk out that door? Are you thinking the same thing too? We sit there in silence, soaking up the awkwardness Praying someone will speak, but there's nothing to say So you grab your bag and your coat And I haven't seen you since that day Cos all things come to an end And we could not pretend To like the same YouTube clips as each other Yeah we just were not sure So you walked out that door And I went back to giggling at Danny Glover

I saw you at the concert Cos you walked by I froze up in my seat I really wanted to say hi But it's been over six months Since we last spoke And every time I think of talking I just choke And the lights went down And my hands came up Covered my face Until the music started up And I watched the band playing Trying my best not to cry But I could feel tears welling up In the corner of my eye Oh well Oh well Oh well Why won't this get easier Why do I feel so much pain When will be the time That I can speak to you again Then the light's come up And I'm trapped in a daze My eyes wander through the theatre And you meet my gaze And I swear for just one second You're smiling at me And then one second later I'm out of my seat And I'm running through town Trying to catch my train And I'm choking back all my feelings Until I start crying again Oh well Oh well Oh well